It's six months since I got my logo, and I love it as much now as when I first set eyes on it and knew (or rather, hoped) it was going to be mine.
But apart from sometimes having it on my Facebook cover (personal profile not public page) - I don't use it at all.
And that's fine. More than fine. It's perfect.
Every time I look at it I feel YES, that's me, that's mine, something so gorgeous and pretty ... and it represents so much to me.
It's a present to myself, and it shows a part of myself that had been hidden for a very long time and celebrates that being a part of me again.
So ... a little bit of the back story.
I'll keep this short ... and don't worry, there's no woe-is-me here, but a couple of years ago - let's just say a few things in my life weren't great.
And that's that bit of the story done ...
... because the actual important bit is that I (had finally) realised it and then the other important bit is that I (had finally) realised that only I was going to be able to change that.
No lottery winnings, no knights in shining armour - because, the only person who could 'rescue' me was me. And the way I was going to rescue me was to actually become me again, not this downtrodden, in-a-dark-place, trying to please, not-knowing-what-I-even-wanted-any-more person.
That was the first big step - and the first big action was giving in my notice at a job that wasn't right for me at all. Without a new job to go to - but I had a three-month notice period and that was the first big returning surge of me-ness - complete confidence that actually I WAS good enough at what I did to find another job in that time.
And also that this time, I was going to make sure I had a work/life balance that allowed me to work out what else I wanted to do and then to do it.
That first step was huge - but oh, the relief too.
To get back to being me! Full of ideas, creative, courageous, playful me. Kind and thoughtful again too - unhappiness can make one pretty self-obsessed. It didn't happen overnight of course but things did quickly start changing.
I also joined some incredibly inspiring online groups and programmes and met a whole community of new friends and people who had the same sort of values, goals, dreams, ambitions as me - and who I saw were making them happen.
It was a time of de-cluttering in my life - not just physical things although I did start with that. I had to de-clutter as much negativity as possible. I had to move on from people who were pulling me down - and I stopped watching the news for a long while too. I got on top of things I'd been hiding from - took responsibility for dealing with debt etc that had been part of the old dark patterns (and any victim-y / 'it's not fair' feelings and language had to go too).
I started embracing all these new ideas and new people - it's honestly not an exaggeration to say I started coming back to life. I was learning again - and learning and moving forward go hand in hand I think.
Eighteen months later and my (very talented - do check her out) visual stylist/designer friend Nicola was launching some gorgeous pre-designed ready-to-be-personalised logos ... I saw this one and I just had to have it.
No, it's not really 'me' at all.
My sort of colours are all neutrals and the colours of nature, of the sea and sky. I wear silver and white gold, never gold. I was feeling more me again than I think I have since childhood - where I was both a bookworm and a rough-and-tumble playing-with-my-sisters-in-the-garden-until-we-were-called-in-because-it-was-dark-and-cold sort of child.
But something whispered to me and said you ARE this too.
You are also light and pink and gold script dancing across the page. Now that you're open again and being you, you must also let this in to your life.
And so my logo represents these big life changes and a coming home to myself. It's a little part of me that I wanted to recognise. It feels like a reminder of something important and strong that was always there - when times were tough and dark, there were still watercolours and roses and gold, even when I couldn't see them.
That lightness IS strength.
My logo isn't really something I need to 'use'. It isn't part of any branding, or something that others need to recognise as me. It's a perfect and personal anchor in a way, a line in the sand, a gift to myself for how far I've come and to see that this is a part of who I am.
And that's the story of why I have a logo that I'm unlikely ever to use.
Because for me it's not actually a logo.
It's a symbol of a personal turning point that I wanted to recognise and remember.
